Newest Member Of The Club Nobody Wants To Be In

This is my first entry into where I plan to journal my journey with breast cancer. I decided to journal about my experience after reading several other women's blogs. It was very comforting for me to know I was not alone in the roller coaster of emotions I was feeling. A lot of you that read this know me, but for those of you who don't my name is Jackie. I am a 38 year old woman, a mother to 4 wonderful daughters, and fiance to the most wonderful man I have ever known.


It will be 2 weeks ago tomorrow that I discovered what I definitely knew was not supposed to be there. The following Tuesday I was sitting in the doctors office listening to him tell me, he was sure it was nothing to worry about. I was so young, and there was no history of a mother or sister who had breast cancer. He assured me it was just probably my body going through those normal midlife changes. He said he was sending me for a mammogram though because I had never had one and I was closing in on the age when you should have them on a regular basis. By Thursday morning I was sitting in the breast care center waiting for my first mammogram. The lady explained to me that they would take four pictures of each breast, then 2 additional ones of the one where the lump was. Boy was I relieved when it was done and there was no pain!! I had heard horror stories of how the mushed and squished you in ways that were as painful as giving birth..lol. After returning to the waiting area, it was not long before the nurse came back out ans said the doctor has requested another set of pictures. ( I was thinking to myself why more? What did he see on the ones we just took?) After going through a million scenarios in my head I figured they just were not as clear as he wanted them so therefore he had decided to retake them. While taking the next set of pictures the nurse informed me that they were going to also do a sonogram, she said not to worry this was something they did on anyone who had a lump just to get a better idea of things. Off to do a sonogram, the girl who was doing it was very friendly and explained everything to me as we talked while she sat her machine up. She started with the lumpy one. About 2 minutes into the test she stopped talking to me, the look on her face was one of "this don't even look right". After a long silence I asked is that area there the lump I am feeling. She replied yes, well it seemed like we spent a good 45 min. looking at that one area from this angel and that. Then we moved to the other side , which only seemed to take 4 or 5 min. She finished up and told me the doctor would be in to speak with me. When he came in he was very to the point. I am concerned with what I am seeing on the mammogram and the sonogram. He said he definitely could rule out a cyst, and felt there was a need biopsy to be performed as soon as possible.First thing Monday morning I was back in the office having a sonogram guided biopsy. They told me that I would know the results by late that evening or early the following morning at the latest. I thought to myself "WOW" these doctors don't play around. Monday had to be the longest day of my life, finally late that evening the call came in. I can remember hearing those words, your biopsy is back and it is cancer, and thinking to myself did I hear what I think I heard. My mind was racing, my kids my family, oh my GOD what am I going to do. My youngest girls stood there beside me with my mommy, anxiously waiting for me to tell them what the results were. I vaguely remember anything else the doctor said, it was as if I was on auto pilot. Yes mam, no mam, thank you..."THANK YOU" for telling me I have cancer. I can only remember hanging up the phone and looking at my family and saying well I guess I was wrong.. I have cancer. And as to be expected the emotions were overwhelming.


Now here I sit 4 days later. Ah, the waiting is the hardest part, I have to have a MRI next Friday, then I meet with my surgeon the following week. I just want to get this process going and get what I call this "MONSTER" out of me. I still don't know what stage I am in or anything more than it's cancer, and that's driving me crazy. The one sense of relief that I did gain was knowing that after 4 months of not feeling well, tons of test that kept coming back negative, and $15,000.00 later , that I am not crazy I really am sick.. ..(Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in!!). Anyway I hope to journal a few times a week here as I go through the steps of beating this !!! I want to keep upbeat here, but I plan to journal about my whole experience the good and the bad. My first entry has turned out to be way longer than I had anticipated.